Son, You Should Expect to See Your Grandma Get Hurt Soon
My Dearest Son, As soon as your brain develops a little more, you’ll realize that grandparents are objectively better than regular parents: you don’t have to see them all the time, and when you do,...
View ArticleA Letter of Recommendation Template for Men Struggling to Date
My friend Dave didn’t have a girlfriend for a long time, and he was pretty blue about it. He kept meeting girls, but none of them were interested in dating him. I should mention here that Dave is a...
View ArticleA Response Letter From Mark Zuckerberg’s Newborn Daughter, August
And then I hope you take a lot of naps. I hope you’re a great sleeper. And I hope even in your dreams you can feel how much we love you. Childhood is magical. You only get to be a child once, so don’t...
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It Is With a Heavy Heart and Definitely Not Under Legal Pressure That I am...
Dear Fans, We had a good run, didn’t we? Six weeks ago, when I opened my strip club Scenes From an Italian Breastaurant, I really thought the sky was the limit. Sadly, reality has a way of catching up...
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An Open Letter to My Neighbors Who Insist on Hanging a Scary Clown Decoration...
Hello. You don’t know me. I’m sure you’ve seen me walking my adorable silky terrier past your place on the 4300 block of Farmdale Avenue from time to time. Nice place you’ve got, by the way. Very well...
View ArticleThis Fearless Cover Letter Almost Got Me Hired By Bill Gates
Dear Bill Gates, I am writing to apply for a job at Microsoft. With my degree from a top-tier university and four years of industry experience, I would be an asset to your company because…something,...
View ArticleA Sick Husband’s Apology Voicemail to His Wife
Hon. Are you there? My throat is sore. Can hardly talk. Pick up…. Got a cough *cough* too. Primal, chesty. This is not a drill. I’m not playing man-card. 100% got a sniffle. So won’t be much help...
View ArticleMistakes to Avoid on Your Cover Letter for a Job in Hell™
Dear Vepxal, I’ve been trying to get hired as a torture master in Hell for years, but my application never makes it past the first round. In fact, the last recruiter I submitted it to cut off one of my...
View ArticleOther Things It is Disgusting and Absurd to Suggest This Administration Supports
“‘I think it is disgusting and absurd to suggest that anyone inside of this building would support slavery,’ Huckabee replied before moving on.” –Real Clear Politics, 11/1/2017 Hello, Press. In...
View ArticleDear Ghost Girl Haunting My Apartment: You’re Starting to Become a Financial...
Dear Spooky Ghost Girl Currently Haunting Apartment 4B, I am the primary resident of this apartment, so I guess that makes me your hauntee. I think you’re a fantastic ghost with a lot of cool...
View ArticleConfessions of a Potted Plant in Love with Harvey Weinstein
“Weinstein quickly masturbated into a potted plant near the vestibule…” –The Daily Mail With everything emerging about film mogul Harvey Weinstein, I’d be remiss if I did not share my own. Me too,...
View ArticleI’m Sorry for Ruining the Big Fishing Trip
Look, I know the big fishing trip didn’t turn out the way we had all wanted, and for that I am sorry. When we rented that fishing vessel, we all had high hopes. For example, I wanted to get my picture...
View ArticleAn Open Letter on Maturity to Jonathan from His Penis
Dear Jonathan, Hey, it’s me “little Jonathan,” you know, your penis! Let’s chat. I get it, it’s not easy having me around. I make it difficult at times to think about anything other than sex. I...
View ArticleBarron Trump’s Letter to Santa
Hello Santa, it’s me, Barron William Trump the first. I’ve been a very good boy this year. How are things in the North Pole? Are you also being investigated for working with the Russians? Seems like...
View ArticleJust Because I’m a Little Drunk and Homeless Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Berate This...
Hey, Garbage! Yeah, you there, sitting in that alleyway inside that trashcan with all those flies buzzing around you. Yes, I'm talking to you! Do you see anything else around here that matches such a...
View ArticleHi, This is Jimmy from Wikipedia and I’m Writing to Ask, One Last Time:...
Hi, This is Jimmy from Wikipedia. I'm going to be honest with you: I need your help. Last Sunday at brunch, when the check came, I happily put down my credit card for the table. But it's now been a...
View ArticleAn Open Apology to Fellow “Justice League” Viewers Who Heard Me Explain How...
Dear friends, acquaintances, neighbors, classmates, former teachers, frosty but civil nemeses, somewhat distant relatives, local and state representatives, nuclear family members, and other ardent...
View ArticleMerry Christmas From the Millers to All You Fuckers
This past year the Millers have been drinking it all in: the good, the bad, and those 1.5 liter bottles of gin. Suffice it to say, we continue to suffer under the tyranny of white privilege here in...
View ArticleRe: Need a Date to My Office Holiday Party
Hi there, I saw your Craigslist ad about needing a date to your office holiday party, and I’m very interested in being your plus one! I’m sure you’re getting a ton of emails from other very eligible...
View ArticleJared Kushner Email: “Did Anyone Find a Pokémon Backpack in the Oval Office?”
From: Kushner, Jared Sent: Monday, December 15, 2017 10:31 AM To: White House Staff Subject: Missing Backpack Hi all, Has anyone come across a blue-and-yellow Pokémon backpack in the Oval Office our...
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